Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Helping grandparents raising grandchildren

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

A couple of weeks ago Melanie made the following comment on one of my posts.

I just ran across your site, and I was wondering in your experience if you could answer a question for me? While raising your grandchildren what could someone have done to make it easier or helped you? I was wondering what I could do in my community to try and make life easier for grandparents. It is just an idea as I work in childcare and see a lot of grandparents raising their grandchildren. If you have a moment I would love to hear from you. Thanks for your time

I have given this some thought. What could one person have done that would have made a big difference to me? Simply, if one person had stepped forward and helped me create and run a support group for grandparents raising grandchildren, that would have been extremely helpful.

I had no luck getting a support group started in my area. I called several agencies and schools for support. They all thought it a great idea but had no one willing to help. Even my local social services would only put my flyer up  on their bulletin board. Perhaps living in a rural area like I did might have complicated the problem. I am not sure. But if someone else had been willing to help me start and continue the project, I would have been very grateful.

So Melanie, if you have the energy and interest, see if there is a local grandparents support group that you can give some assistance to or talk with grandparents in this situation and help them start one. I think it is very nice that you are interested in helping others. That is  wonderful.

Battling with the sadness

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

It is amazing how long I go between writing on this blog when I am devastatingly sad. But I guess I have pulled myself together enough to write again. Having the children return to their mother after 7 years is only half of the nightmare I have been living. I won't go into the other half, at this time. I will only say I am amazed that my heart could hurt so bad and yet could still keep beating. I guess it is good that I am physically healthy for being 56 or I am sure my heart would not have survived the pain it has been put through.

What is helping me? The support of other family members. It has become apparent how much most of my other children, sisters, and grandchildren love and support me. I have even learned how much my husband is concerned for me. Trust me the past few months have been experiences that most people never experience.

Right now I am staying with one of my daughters, her husband, and their two little girls. My son-in-law is from India and from a family who really takes care of their own. So he very welcoming and fine with having his mother-in-law in his home for a while. Plus, I love their little girls, and I get to be Nana. I go home occasionally to check on things. We rented out some of the upstairs bedrooms to some nice men. It helps with finances and also gives my husband some company. I notice that when I am there, the men stay mostly in their own rooms watching TV or being on their computers. When I am not there, it appears that they mingle much better and even cook together sometimes. My emotions must make them uncomfortable (I am assuming). I am really glad they mingle more when I am gone. Then I don't have to worry about my husband being alone, just one more thing for me to be concerned about.

One of my sons wants me to come stay with him a bit this winter as well (about a 2 days drive from here). I would get to spend some quality time with my grandson. So for now, I am getting to have the experience of actually being a grandmother to grandchildren and not Mom. But I still miss being "Mom" to my other granddaughters. But I know when the time is right, they will be back, even if it is when they are 18. The bond of love we created can never be destroyed unless I let it. I have no intentions of letting that bond break if it is within my control. If it does break, well I guess I will just have to rebuild it when they are older.

Keeper of the Memories - daughter, mother, grandmother

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I'm not sure why I feel like writing about this tonight, but I am. I have been the Keeper of the Memories. It is time to let go some of them.

I started a huge and painful project recently. It should (I don't like the word should) have been a pleasant project, but mostly it was not. With the help of one of my daughters, we tackled sorting the huge trunk of family pictures. Having had eight children and divorced from the children's father brought back a ton of memories, many happy and many not so happy. It took us two complete days sorting the photos into piles to mail to each of my children. And what to do with the ton of family or group photos? If there were several of the same photo, that was easy, one for each person. If they were merely snapshots of a vacation, we were sort of doling them out, one for you, one for you, and one for you, etc.

I think what made it extra sad for me was not being able to sort through them with the person with whom I had shared those memories. For example, an old picture of a flooded area from 1972 in Pennsylvania doesn't mean much when you just look at it, or the picture of me sitting in a field of flowers, just looks like a picture. But had I been able to share them with the person who helped make the memories, it might have been more pleasant. We probably would have laughed when remembering stopping along the side of the road on a cross country trip, while I sat down in the middle of the flowers that bloomed between the divided highway.

Then came the pictures that were taken after my divorce 16 years ago. My daughter would ask, "Who is that?" "Oh just a guy I was dating. We were rock climbing." Then again, "Who is that?" "Oh a different guy I dated for a while, we were hiking in southern Utah." Most of those pictures, I tossed.

The pictures that have been taken over the past seven years when we raised grandchildren will be given to them when they are grown, until then I will keep them safe.

Why does this make me sad rather than happy? I guess, I just wanted what I thought was a "normal" family with "normal memories." (Parents, children, and grandchildren), no halves and steps involved. But that is unrealistic for many of us, and pointless to brood over. But I guess I am brooding anyway. I hope when my children get their box of memories, they will find many happy ones. I need to let go and let others become the keeper of their own memories.

I'm not giving everything away. I am keeping only enough to build one nice large photo album of my life, from my childhood until the present, with of course extra pages for the future.

Karen Wright
A grandmother in love with her grandchildren

Marriage issues and raising grandchildren

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I was reading an article from New Zealand titled "Grandchild care kills marriages of one in seven." Click here to read the complete article. (I hope the link works).

Many of the emails I personally receive are from single grandparents but many are from married grandparents raising grandchildren. From the grandparents who are married and have commented about the effects on their marriage, I receive two different types of comments. Either the grandmother says that her spouse has been very supportive and helpful or the stress is causing marital problems to the point of divorce.

I wonder if the statistics in New Zealand would be similar in the U.S. or Canada if a study was done. My guess, it would be similar. I don't think we are that different. Unless others have had first hand experience or been close to someone who has, I don't believe they can understand or appreciate the stress put on the marriage of older adults who take on the role of raising children.

It is too bad people can't say, "Wow, raising grandchildren has brought my spouse and I so close together." Perhaps some do say that, but I doubt very many.

Karen Wright
A grandmother in love with her grandchildren

When grandmothers house we leave

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

Okay folks, I will now tell you a small bit of what has been happening in my life. The children, after 7 years, have gone back to live with their mother. How are the children? I hope they are well and happy. How am I? I am depressed and heartbroken. Do I wish I had not taken the children when I did? absolutely not. I will always cherish every day and minute I had with the children. All of the rocking, bed night stories, singing, and playing will always be in my heart. I have learned by raising my own eight children, that children do grow up and most of them grow up still loving you, even if some do not.

As I have said in previous posts, God knew all along this was going to happen. I just didn't know it. One thing in life that is guaranteed is change. Sometimes we like the change and sometimes we don't.

I will continue my website for grandparents and this blog, so continue writing me so I have plenty of things to write about.

Karen Wright

A grandmother in love with her grandchildren

To grandmothers house we go, again and again and again

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I recently received an email from a grandmother who was getting her grandchildren for the third time. They are hoping to be able to adopt the children this go round. I thought about how difficult this must be for the children to be back and forth so many times between the mother and the grandparents.

Then I thought about a conversation I recently had with a very educated  professional woman who had been a foster mother. She and her husband wanted to adopt the child but the courts placed him back with his mother. Later this woman learned that the child was back in the system again. They applied to be his foster parents again only to learn that in their state a child could not be placed in the same foster home twice. That really made no sense. That was simply the law in their state, and they had no luck in changing it.

So while some children are unfortunate in being bounced back and forth within a family, some children are bounced around to different families. How very sad that there are such horrible laws. Laws that are meant to  protect children sometimes do them great damage.

Karen Wright
A grandmother in love with her  grandchildren

Finding an online message board for grandparents

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I have had numerous emails from grandparents wanting to know of any online chat groups or message boards for grandparents raising grandchildren. I found a few at www.eons.comWhen you go to their site, do a search for grandparenting or the like and you will find various sites to select from. You must register to post to a message board, but there is no fee.

Karen Wright
A grandmother in love with her grandchildren

Grandparents seeking guardianship of grandchildren in Illinois, IL

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I came across some good information recently for grandparents in the Chicago area who are seeking guardianship of their grandchildren. This information came from the Cook County Court website. http://www.cookcountycourt.org/services/services/guardianship.html Go to their website to learn more about the assistance that is offered. It looks to be very helpful.

Guardianship Assistance Desk for Minors
 
Circuit Court of Cook County
69 West Washington Street, Room 1020
Chicago, Illinois 60602
(312) 603-0135
Hours: 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m., Monday through Friday

 

When you can't take your grandchildren

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I recently received an email from a grandmother who is 60 and due to health reasons does not feel that she can take her 5 grandchildren, again. She is battling with feeling guilty about not raising them, even though they have been placed in very good homes. Just because some of us have raised our grandchildren does not mean it is the right thing for everyone. I hope any of you who feel that you are honestly not up to the task and do not take on the challenge can find other ways to help your grandchildren, even if you can't raise them. Many grandparents simply are not in a position to start all over again. But that does not mean that they can't contribute to the well-being of the children and still share their love with them. Sometimes we all have to be very creative in the way we deal with these issues. I appreciate each and every email I get from grandmothers and grandfathers too, of course.

Karen Wright
A grandmother in love with her grandchildren

Thank you grandmothers for your comments

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I want to say thank you to the nice comments I have received from my readers. I really do appreciate the emotional support. I am also really glad that what I write has helped some of you other grandmothers.

I have prayed lately for transparency. I have prayed that I would be able to see truth, to see life from a higher perspective. I have thought about how God loves all of us the same. Since I believe in guardian angels, I realized that even when mortals are having problems and contentions amongst ourselves, the angels are not taking sides and arguing amongst themselves or cheering for this person or that person. So I have prayed for truth to be made known and the highest good for everyone involved.

While I have for sometime felt as if I were groping in the dark and walking on creaking floors that did not feel secure, slowly the darkness is becoming less scary or maybe I am just feeling a hand guiding me through the darkness of uncertainties.

Perhaps the words of my 22 year old wonderful daughter helped me. "Mom, I am so proud of you. You are so good at adapting to changes. You have had to do it so many times." I'm not sure what that says about me that my life is always changing, but in her mind I am really good at adapting. So maybe I am better at it than I feel sometimes.

I do feel that the darkness is beginning to lift even if there are many uncertainties lying ahead of me over the next few months. I know I am being vague about what is going on in my life, but that is necessary. When I get emails from grandmothers with heart wrenching stories, I really do understand what they are feeling. Maybe there is a reason I am going through some tough times right now. Perhaps this will allow me to help more of you in the future.

Karen Wright
A grandmother in love with her grandchildren

New website for grandparents raising grandchildren

Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

There is a new website that is being started by grandparents who are raising their granddaughter. They are inviting other grandparents to participate on their discussion page. Let's support them in their efforts. You can visit their site at http://www.raisinggrandchildren.net.nz/

Emotional Yoga for a grandmother

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

It has been quite a while since I have written, too long. There's a good reason. I'm in major crisis mode right now. Every day I think life has to get better, and every day it doesn't. I realize if I don't start practicing emotional yoga, I will break.

Emotional yoga, what is that? I don't know. I just made it up. But it came to me that when our bodies are stiff and inflexible, it is really easy to break something should we fall. Our emotional health is much the same. If we are emotionally inflexible and things are "suppose" to be a certain way, then we are more likely to emotionally break should we get emotionally knocked off our feet.

Well, I have been emotionally knocked off of my feet. I can tell that I really am likely to emotionally break if I don't become emotionally more flexible. So I pray for faith, trust, and guidance. What doesn't help me are simplistic answers such as "follow your heart" or "fear is the opposite of love." I think anger is the opposite of love. Maybe fear is the opposite of faith.

I haven't figured out the answers yet, sorry. But I do believe that faith in a Divine purpose will help produce emotional flexibility. So I just keep practicing.

Karen Wright
A grandmother in love with her grandchildren
www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com
www.SeniorPro.com

Keeping in touch with grandchildren long distance

Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

It can be a challenge to keep in touch with the grandchildren who do not live near you, especially if you are one of the grandparents who are already raising some of your grandchildren. Phone calls may seem the obvious and are important, but there are more things that we can do to remind the children we are thinking of them. I recently created cards for a few of my grandchildren on my computer. I created a note about 5" x 7" and put a picture of me and the grandchild at the bottom of the card. I did this in a graphics program, but it could just as well be done by hand. Just make sure whenever you see your grandchildren in person that you get a picture of the two of you. That way you can add it to any cards that you send them. It makes it more personal when they read a note or letter and see the two of you together.

Please pass on any good ideas that you might have for keeping in touch with the grandchildren you are not raising.

Karen Wright
A grandmother who loves her grandchildren

TANF assistance differs from state to state for grandparents

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

Grandparents who are raising grandchildren can apply for a child only TANF grant through their local department of social services. TANF stands for Temporary Assistance to Needy Families, and for grandparents raising grandchildren qualification depends on the child's income and the fact that no parent lives in the home.

What is interesting or perhaps better put disturbing is the great differences in the amount a grandparent might receive depending on the state they live in. In New York, a grandparent can get as much as $400/month for one child and and an additional $150/month for each additional child. I had one grandmother from Texas email me that for her 2 grandchildren she received less than $200/month for both children from TANF. A grandmother from Virginia wrote that because she received $275/month in child support for both her 2 grandchildren, she did not qualify at all for TANF.

TANF is a joint federal and state program. That is why states vary in what they pay. But if you are not already receiving TANF for your grandchildren, it is at least worth looking into.

Karen Wright
A grandmother who loves her grandchildren

A grandmother in West Virginia

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I recently received this email from a grandmother in West Virginia who is quite frustrated, justifiably in my opinion.

When answering the questions"What positive experiences have you had," she answered,

"Nothing it gets more emotional daily, if the parents were completely out of the situation it may be better."

Many of you grandparents have written similar statements.

This grandmother also states, "I've had 3 GC for almost 6 yrs the parents are drug addicts and give no financial help what so ever. And not only has it drained us financially it has emotionally. All the help I get from the DHHR is a medical card for the kids and $340.00 a month for all 3 combined.You cant feed them on that much less provide all their needs."

I have added this grandmothers comments because I know many of you experience the same situation and have the same feelings. Just know, you are not alone.

Karen Wright
A Grandmother who loves her grandchildren

 

Getting Custody of grandchildren without a lawyer

By Karen Best Wright, www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com

I have had people ask me about how to get custody of grandchildren without hiring an attorney. This does work for some people, but it is much harder. It is not a simple matter.

If you can not afford an attorney and are obtaining the forms and filing them yourself, do your homework and know what you are doing. Legal custody is awarded by the Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court and is not merely a written agreement between two parties. Check with is court about obtaining the necessary form.

Keep in mind if you are asking someone else to help you fill out the form correctly, not just anyone can help you fill out a request for custody form. They could be accused of practicing law without a license. So make sure if you have assistance with filling out the form, the person has the legal authority to help you. You might try and contact any type of grandparents raising grandchildren support group or program in your entire state to see if anyone has any suggestions for you. Some states do have programs to help grandparents with the forms. Contact your local legal aid office or local law school to see if they have a program to help. Do not simply ask a law student to help. The person must either be certified to help with these forms or be an attorney. Make a lot of phone calls and ask a lot of questions if you must do this yourself without your own personal attorney.

If you go to court with the forms not correctly filled in, you will be told to do it over and reset your court date. Even if you are able to get someone from a legal aid office or a special workshop provided by a legal aid office or law school, all you are getting is assistance with the form, not representation in court.

Karen Wright
A grandmother who loves their grandchildren

When the adult child lives with you and your grandchildren

By Karen Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

One of my readers asked if the following question. "IF the mom of the children move in and give us custody till she gets on her feet, will we still have the help with financing. She said she will help but, I heard that before . WHat is a grandmother and mother to do?

As for the assistance that I am aware of the answer to this questions is NO, you will not get government assistance if the parent lives with you as well. But since I don't know exactly what financial help you are receiving, you need to ask the agencies that is helping you. They will know if you will continue to get assistance if your daughter moves in with you.

Good luck. These are always tough decisions to make.

Karen Wright
A grandmother in love with her grandchildren

Help for Grandparents in Kentucky

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I came across the following information today and thought I would pass it on.

Kristy Clark is a case worker with the Green River Area Development District in Owensboro, Kentucky. The organization is giving grandparents who have taken on the responsibility of raising their grandchildren assistance through the Kentucky Family Caregiver Program.

If you live in this area, check it out and see if there is any assistance for you. If you know of any other programs in any state email me and I will post the information for other grandparents who are raising their grandchildren.

Karen Wright
A Grandmother who loves her grandchildren

Grandparent and Relative Caregiver Rights

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

The other day I received the following email from a grandmother.

I read on the internet recently that several states have (or are considering) laws making 3rd parties equal in the eyes of the courts. If the 3rd party has had caregiving responsibilities for a period of time. Now I can't find the article. Do you have any info? I would love some help w/this. I'm trying to pass the info on to my local grg group.

I personally have never heard of such a law or even the hint of such a law. If any of you reading this post have any information about this, please leave a comment on this blog or send me an email.

Karen Wright
A grandmother who loves her grandchildren

Are grandparents enabling their adult child?

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

Some time ago, I came across a series of comments by some very negative people about grandparents raising grandchildren. I pay little attention to people who just want to gripe and be negative. One person was going on about how grandparents should not raise their grandchildren because they are just enabling their own adult child.

It was obvious the person was merely venting and I clicked out of the site. So I cannot even tell you where I read it. However, sometimes that does happen I am sure. I received an email recently from a grandmother who is raising her grandson. She is at a loss at what to do. She isn't sure how to do right by her grandson, while she is concerned that she is enabling her own son. She asked my advice.

Wow! I don't really have any advice. This is really a tough one. While it really is important that we do what we can for our grandchildren, it is also important that we are not enabling our own child. By that I mean that we are continually coming to the rescue, when if we didn't they might actually get their act together and take care of their own children. I guess there probably are cases that we should step back and pray for the best. However, when it is necessary that we step in and help, we do need to learn to not let the adult child continue to be dependent on us, when they need to stand on there own feet and face their own consequenses.

If any of you out there have any good suggestions, I would love to hear them.

Karen Wright, B.S. Community Health Education
A grandmother who loves her grandchildren
www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com
www.BlogforHealthLiving.com
www.SeniorPro.com

Grandparents Day Story Hour in North Carolina

Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I received an email today about the following event. If you live in the Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill, NC area, I hope you will give them a call. If you are a grandparent raising a grandchild, ask them about any scholarships that might be available for the event.

In the Triangle area of NC (Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill), StoriesWork is
planning an Intergenerational Storytelling event in honor of
Grandparents' Day.  It will take place on Saturday, September 12, 2009
from 2p-4p at Rigsbee Hall, 208 Rigsbee Avenue in Downtown Durham
(27701).  The cost is $20 per pair (grandparent and grandchild) and some
scholarships are available.

Please contact Lenora or Melissa at (919) 433-1535 or visit
www.storieswork.org for more information.

Karen Wright
A Grandmother who loves her grandchildren

Support Group for Grandparents in Vermont

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I received the following email from a grandmother in Vermont today.

"I started a support group in 2006 after personally needing emotional support, and continue to hold monthly meetings. In fact, today we will be having a "SPA Day" and 5 of our caregivers will be pampered and given goodie bags to take home so they can continue to take care of themselves."

I just want to state that I think it is great when someone takes such initiative. I didn't have much luck starting a support group in my community, but then I guess I didn't put that much energy into it. My efforts to support other grandparents comes via the computer and writing. But I think is terrific for those who are successful in helping their local grandparents.

If anyone has any success stories, please email me at raisinggrandchildren@earthlink.net or leave a comment.

Karen Wright
A grandmother in love with her grandchildren

Parental Involvement with Grandchildren

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

Question from "Blessed On": 

My daughter last week end came over for a first in a long time. The girls and the family had fun. We went to the zoo. I told her that her youngest daughter was going to the Dr. She called today to see how she was. That's a miracle in its self.

My 2 year old granddaughter has to have a set of tubes in her ears. Her mom wants to go to the surgery. I don't know if I did right or not but, I told her yes. I would like to know what you think? I have temp but going to have full. I didn't want [her] to think that I was trying to have them not see her . DID I DO GOOD?

Answer:

Dear Blessed One. My opinion is that you made a good choice. Children can't be loved by too many people. I would imagine that you want your daughter to develop a healthy bond with her children. It is nice that you had a fun family time at the zoo. Happy experiences are good for everyone. Perhaps it will motivate your daughter to be involved in healthy ways with you and the children in the future. Good Luck!

Karen Wright
A grandmother in love with her grandchildren

Finding needed resources for seniors raising grandchildren

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I receive many emails from people wondering how they are suppose to make ends meet. There just doesn't seem to be enough money to pay the bills for many grandparents who are raising their grandchildren.

The little bit the government may provide is usually very little if any. There sometimes is more help for grandparents 60 and older. Sometimes there are programs through your local department on aging if you are old enough. It is worth checking out.

The Pantry of Broward, Inc. in Broward County, Florida ( http://www.thepantryofbroward.org/) helps low income seniors and grandparents raising grandchildren in their area. Where ever you might live when there is not enough money to make ends meet, check your local food pantry, your local area agency on aging, and ask around. Different churches might also know resources in your area.

If you know of resources in your area, send me an email so I can create a post to help give others ideas of where to look for help.

Karen Wright
A grandmother who loves her grandchildren

Being involved with grandchildren's education

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I received an email today from a college student who is writing a paper on how grandparents who are raising grandchildren get involved with the children's education. She writes:

I am interested to hear what their obstacles are or have been when getting involved in their grandchildrens education in regards to the law, school staff, teachers,volunteering in the school, the new technology they have to be familiar with, homework, etc.

I can only speak for myself, so I welcome any comments any of you would like to contribute. If a grandparent has legal custody of the children, they will have a much easier time being involved. In some states a grandparent can't even enroll the grandchild in school unless they have actual custody. In other states, all they have to show is that the child lives with them.

As for my own experiences, I volunteer a bit at the school, but haven't had the time nor energy to volunteer on a regular basis. However, I do go to PTA meetings, have good communication with the teachers, and supervise homework. It is important for the grandparent to develop a good relationship with the teachers and school personel. Make sure people know who you are and keep a good attitude about challenges.

I know that some grandparents who are less educated often feel very intimated by the teachers and tend to shy away from much involvement. This is what I have been told in my community. Sometimes schools will put on programs for the parents to let the parents know what is going on and how they can help the children. As much as possible, it is good when grandparents can participate in these programs.

Even though I do not volunteer on a regular basis at the children's school, most everyone knows who I am. (The school is rather small). Outside of the school, I have been very involved in the education process. We read regularly together, work on our grammar, practice our addition while driving in the car (the girls love this), and research interesting topics on the Internet together. I also go to most all parent/teacher conferences. My granddaughters are excellent students with no learning disabilities, so this probably makes it easier for me than others.

When our family is experiencing extra stress, I talk with the teachers and ask them to keep me informed if they notice any changes in the children's behavior or stress level. This lets the teacher know that I care about what is going on, and that I am only a phone call away if I am needed.

I would like to hear from you on ways that have helped you be involved in your grandchildren's education. Feel free to share any challenges or successes that you have had.

Karen Wright
A grandmother who loves her grandchildren

 

When grandparents bond with grandchildren

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I receive many emails from grandparents who mention the bond they have with their grandchildren. Sometimes it is hard for a child to bond with someone if their little lives have been hectic and uncertain. So while I think it is very important to bond with your grandchildren, I am going to tell a personal experience that broke my heart. I do not blame my daughter at all, and I do take total responsibility for what happened to me...finally. It took me years to quit blaming my daughter. She was not responsible for my feelings.

Several years ago, when one of my daughters was pregnant and getting a divorce, I brought her home to live with me. She lived with me about a year after the baby was born. Now, since I am a real baby person, I bonded very easily with the baby. I adore babies. This baby girl went to church with me, sometimes even to class (I was a return to college single mom). Once she even went on a sort of date with me and a guy pal. We went to a home show and pushed the baby around in the stroller. I rocked her to sleep at night and loved her dearly.

I really knew this was not going to be a permanent situation and it wasn't. After a year, my daughter moved across country. I was devastated. I cried for months. "MY" baby was gone. It took me 3 months to even wash her fingerprints off of the living room mirror. I just cried. It took me a year to take her port-a-crib out of my bedroom. I just cried. I couldn't even wash the spit up on the crib sheet. I just cried. So I filled the crib with stuffed animals and dolls. After a year, I graduated from college and moved to another state. I finally began to heal when I was able to have a new surrounding and focus.

I was angry with my daughter for years because my heart had been ripped from my chest in a less than a pleasant way. But was this my daughter's fault that my grieving was so awful and took me so long? NO! it was not. I'm not sure what I should have done differently so the pain would have been less. Maybe I needed to go through the pain, so I could understand others or to prepare for other difficulties that lay ahead. I'm not sure.

What I do know is that I should have prepared myself better and kept in the front of my mind that while I loved this baby girl dearly and had a bond just as strong as when I had my own babies, this was not a permanent living arrangement. I knew it wasn't.

Sometimes temporary situations actually do turn into permanent ones and that is why many grandparents end up raising children for many years. But in this particular situation, I knew better. The problem for so many years was that I held resentment in my heart toward my daughter. She took away the baby I loved with all of my heart. But in reality, that is really what she was suppose to do, to move on. She was not suppose to live with me forever.

Do I resent the year I had with that baby. Never. I have wonderful memories. This baby is now a teenager and does not live near me and I rarely see her. I trust that one day when she is grown, I will have the courage and spiritual strength to rebuild that bond we once had. But my heart tells me to wait until she is grown. She is in a good situation now, and one day I pray that our souls will reunite.

Do I have any advice for anyone out there? Well, I don't know. I do believe that bonding is very important, but if you have to let go, try to let go with thankfulness that you had a short time to love a child. Trust me, if you hang on to resentment, you only heap more pain onto yourself.

Any thoughts from any of you on this topic?
Karen Wright
Grandmother in love with her grandchildren

Raising Grandchildren in New York

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

One of the comments left on this blog by "Blessed One" mentioned a grant in NY available to grandparents who are raising grandchildren. I did a bit of research. More information can be found about it on the New York Kinship Navigator's website. This link goes to a pdf file with more information. http://www.nysnavigator.org/files/legal/public_assistance.pdf

The NYS Kinship Navigator's phone number is 1-877-454-6463. Their hours are weekdays, 10:00 to 4:00.

By reading the material, I cannot tell if it is the same thing as what I know as the child-only TANF grant. It is a grant that is based on the child's income and not the grandparents (the same as the child-only TANF grant). Here is some rather technical information that I found helpful. It comes from the pdf file linked above.

"Children are eligible for such grants regardless of the income of the adult non-parent caregivers. Only a 'legally responsible relative's income can be part of the eligibility calculation. By 'legally responsible,' the Public Assistance Source Book means financial responsibility. This is a distinct legal responsibility in addition to the legal responsibility to provide adequate care for the children under Family Act abuse and neglect laws. While parents are legally responsible for their children, no other caregiver has this legal responsibility unless the court orders granting legal custody or guardianships indicate that the caregiver has assumed the responsibility. In effect, only parents, spouses, and stepparents are legally responsible to support their children, therefore, other caregiver's income is not considered available to a child in deciding eligibility for public assistance."

What this seems to be saying is that a grandparent may be given legal custody or legal guardianship of the child without actually be given the "legal responsibility to support" the child. This is what may qualify them to receive support for the grandchild. This pdf file also gives information about daycare and food stamps.

This link takes you directly to the page that explains how to apply for assistance.

http://www.nysnavigator.org/legal/documents/Publicassistanceguide2.pdf 

I hope this information will be helpful to any grandparents in New York that are raising their grandchildren.

If any of you have information about any other states and their programs, please pass the info to me and I will post it for others.

Karen Wright, B.S. Community Health Education
Grandmother in love with her grandchildren
www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com
www.SeniorPro.com

 

 

Feeling overwhelmed raising your grandchildren?

Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I received an email from a grandmother today who is feeling overwhelmed. We all understand that feeling don't we? She wants to know if her feelings are normal. Here is part of her email:

"My husband and I have custody of our two grand daughters. 3 and 4 years of
age, We have had then since the end of January 2009. Is it right to feel over whelmed with things? I am 51 years of age and was working a full time job for the last 30 years. The stress has gotten a little much as to raising the girls and trying to work at the same time. They are in daycare for the next two weeks and I will take that time to do things around the house." (I believe this grandmother retired from her job to take care of the girls)

"Is it right to feel stressed and overwhelmed at this stage and can you give
me any advise on how to deal with this. We LOVE these girls more then
anything and our goal is to make them feel Loved ,happy and safe. We are
told by the day care and school that they well adjusted and really good
children."

In an answer to this grandmother: I don't think there is anyone that wouldn't be overwhelmed and stressed by the situation. Change brings stress, even if it were a change that one might actually be seeking. Which in this case, you probably were not seeking it. I would suggest if at all possible, that you continue to have time for yourself and do things you enjoy or want to do. If you retired from your job, be sure to maintain plenty of time with other adults.  I know of grandmothers whose entire lives centered around the children. They had no real friends, they had no activities with other adults, and their lives became severely out of balance and difficult. This can happen and add enormously to your stress, even though you love your grandchildren dearly.

Well, that is my two cents worth. Good luck,

Karen Wright, B.S. Community Health Education
Grandmother

Why custody or legal guardianship is important

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I received the email below today from one of my readers.

I have 3 of my grandchildre. One that is disabled. She just turned a year. She has a twin brother and an older sister 5 years old. Well what I need help or advice.What do I need in order to get help and services for disabled grandchild? Tri-counties stopped her services because I'm not her parent and have no legal rights to children.

This is why it is so important to have legal custody of grandchildren. Many grandparents find themselves in this same situation. Without the legal rights to be raising the grandchildren, and you are merely doing it out of love for the children, it can be difficult if not impossible to get the assistance you need for the children. I believe this email came from a woman in California. I thought California was one of the easiest states to get help for the children without actually having to have custody. I guess I was wrong.

If anyone has any suggestions, please leave comments.

Karen Wright, B.S. Community Health Education

Getting help with food

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

One grandmother wrote me wondering why she cannot get food stamps. All of the cash aid she gets for her grandchildren goes for food. I, of course, do not know her particular situation, but I am guessing the reason she doesn't get food stamps is because her total family income is above the income level for food stamps. If the cash aid she is referring to is a child only TANF grant or some other grant for child assistance, that amount is probably based on the child's income, which is probably nothing. Where food stamps is based on the family income.

If you are struggling to put food on the table for your grandchildren, I would suggest checking into the local food bank or even your local churches who some times have food drives to help people in need. I believe it can be very helpful for grandparents raising grandchildren to participate in the church of your choice. Not only, can it be spiritually uplifting, but you may find the help you need in other areas as well.

Karen Wright, B.S. Community Health Education

Adopting a Grandchild

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I often receive emails from people wanting advice about adopting their grandchildren. I personally do not have any experience, since I did not adopt my grandchildren. However, I received an email the other day from a grandmother who did adopt a grandchildren. Below is the grandmother's email. Perhaps it will be helpful to someone.

We have had our grandaughter since she was 2 months old. Her mother (our daughter in law) did not want to raise her and gave her to us, she was on drugs and being a prostitute to support her drug habit. When the baby was 2yrs old we decided to adopt her. Her mother's parents decided to fight us even though they had no relationship with this baby. My husband and I have spent 2yrs and $40,000.00 dollars and as of May 5th, 2009 we finally won our case. Our best advise to anyone trying to adopt would be to contact C.A.S.A. they were our saving grace. And the other thing we would suggest is to document everything!!!!!!!!! Dates, times, events, comments, actions, etc..............it is so important to have all the facts to present to a judge. And if there are court ordered visitations we recommend concealing a recorder in the diaper bag at these visits is a great way of proving that someone is unfit to be a parent. You may not be able to use it as evidence but it will help you to know if your grandbaby is being abused and believe me it will help your case!!

I hope this information will be helpful to those of you asking about adopting grandchildren.

Karen Wright, B.S. Community Health Education

When the parents don't show up to visit as scheduled

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I have had more than one grandparent write me about what to do or say to the grandchildren when the parent doesn't show up when they are suppose to visit. This can be oh so hurtful to the children. It can also put the grandparent in a very difficult spot of trying to explain "something" to the child. I believe, no matter how hard it is, it is best to not be negative about the parent. The children will be doubly hurt. Some grandparents have gotten to where they do not even tell the child the parent is going to visit, until she/he actually shows up. Some grandparents when asked questions they cannot not really answer, just respond with a simple, "I don't know sweetheart, but I love you and I am so glad you are here with me." The grandparent can't really solve many problems, but they can reassure the child that they love them dearly. Then do something enjoyable with the child to help the child experience happier feelings.

Karen Wright, B.S. Community Health Education

Picking your battles with your grandchildren

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

One grandmother recently wrote me from my main website  www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com. I really liked her comment and thought I would pass it on. She is raising an elementary age grandchild and is referring to her granddaughter when she writes.

I pick my battles carefully because it seems there are a mountain of them. It really cuts down on the stress when I know what I want her to learn -vs- what I want her to do right now.

Sometimes it is really easy to get caught up in what we want to happen right now, whether it be doing homework, cleaning up a room, or getting along with a sibling. One can easily lose sight of the over-all objective of what we want the child to learn in the long run.

When a grandparent may be feeling worried and overwhelmed with starting a family all over again, she/he may get stuck in the "Do what I say and do it right now mode." The age of the child and how many children you are raising may play a factor in how you feel and deal with this as well.

I really liked the reminder of "what I want her to learn vs. what I want her to do right now." That is something good for all of us to think about.

Karen Wright
Grandmother raising grandchildren

Finding time for yourself with your spouse or friends without the grandchildren

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

One of the commenters on my Blog asked about how to find time with her husband without the children. She stated that he helps her so she can have some alone time, but she doesn't get time alone with him. She asked for any suggestions.

This can be a tough one. For the first few years, my husband and I practically had no time to go anywhere by ourselves. (We had only been married 4 months when we got the chidlren.) Everywhere we went we took the children. I did have a teenage daughter at home, but the three children were too much for her to handle in the beginning when the baby was a preemie and the oldest (4) was having a rough time of things. I really didn't have anyone to watch them. Once we paid the daycare worker to come to our home for 24 hours while we were out of town. That was too expensive to do that again.

I would read suggestions about trading with a friend for a night out. That may work when you are in your twenties, but most 50 year old adults don't have the need to babysit each other's kids. Even if I did have a friend that had been in the same situation, I was too tired to watch more kids and do my own work. And I knew that my three were really too much to ask of anyone in the beginning. So we just didn't go anywhere or we took everyone.

As the years have gone by, things have changed and gotten easier. We only have custody of two of the children now, and they do visit their mother regularly and about once or twice a year they will go to one of my other daughter's family for a couple of days. And, now that they are older (6 and 8) and wonderful girls, it is easier to ask a friend to watch them for a few hours at her home.

There have been times in the past when the only time I had with my husband without the children was when we went to a church activity and there were activities separate for the children. But that wasn't really alone time with my husband, but it did tend to relieve stress and be enjoyable.

So however lame it may be, my only suggestions are do you have any family or friends nearby that will take the children for an evening or overnight? If not, at least participate in church or community family activities where there are sitters that watch the children, so the adults can mingle and have a good time.

Anyone else have any suggestions?

Karen Wright
Grandmother raising grandchildren
www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com
www.BlogforHealthyLiving.com

July's Free Give-a-Way

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

Check out this month's give-a-way item. The book is called The First Day of Foreverby Kristi L. Necochea. In this first book of the collection, find out how the Friends Forever Girls came to be. This book correlates with the Friends Forever doll collection. Click on the picture of the dolls below to learn more about the dolls.

I received the book from the author Kristi L. Necochea specially for my July give-a-way. I of course read it to my granddaughters first. But don't worry, it is in perfect condition. We really enjoyed reading it together.

Winner of Dr. Toy's award Best Children's Products for 2008. Huggable 18" dolls created for girls 6 and up. Book series available that teach about friendship and becoming the best a girl can be. Great for your granddaughters. Click on the picture to learn more the dolls.

Karen Wright, B.S. Community Health Education
Grandmother raising grandchildren
www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com
www.BlogforHealthyLiving.com
www.SeniorPro.com

Do you ever feel this way?

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

As a woman and grandmother raising grandchildren, I often face trials that I would rather not face. I know there are many of you feeling much the same way. So this is for those of you who may be facing difficult trials on a daily basis.

My life right now feels like a continuous ferris wheel ride. Every morning I wake up knowing that I am going around again. The only problem is that I know that one of the spokes of the wheel is cracked. Will today be the day that the spoke breaks and the ferris wheel comes crashing down, changing my life forever? Or will today be the day that the ferris wheel comes to a stop, letting me get off and feel the solid ground once again.

I do not know. While I am trying to not fear what I perceive to be the worst, I am also trying to prepare myself and have faith that no matter the outcome, I am on the path that was set for me in the beginning. May God and the Holy Spirits bring peace to my thoughts and guide my every step is my prayer.

Karen Wright, B.S.
Grandmother raising grandchildren
www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com
www.BlogforHealthyLiving.com

Peace at the lake with grandchildren

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I promised my granddaughters that today I would not work. We would get out of the house and go to the lake. A state park is not far from our home with a lake and small beach area for swimming. The girls played and swam, while I watched, relaxed, and read. I was feeling rather philosophical and decided to pay close attention to my senses. I listened, I watched, and I felt. What a beautiful experience.

As I listened, I could hear people talking in all directions. "Be nice, be nice now." I could hear one mother kindly speaking. Another asking, "Are you hungry?" A child asking, "Can I play with you? What's your name?" And in the distance, I could hear many indiscernible conversations. I could hear birds singing, the whistling of the breeze, and a motor of some sort far off behind me.

As I watched, I saw children playing, adults observing, reading, or talking together. I saw smiling faces, water splashing, and people in canoes, rowboats, and a kayak. I saw footprints in the sand, sandcastles half washed away by the water, and the beautiful huge trees that surrounded the lake.

Now to the feeling and essence of the experience - There was a sense of peacefulness, pleasantness, and rightness. I know “rightness” might seem like an odd word to use, but that is exactly how it felt. It felt “right.” I heard no arguing, contention, or any unpleasant sounds whatsoever. There were not a lot of people at the lake but enough that the sense of serenity and quietness was amazing.

I wished that everyone around the world could experience such gentleness among strangers. Even though I knew no one but my girls, no one felt like strangers for some odd reason. Since a state forest surrounds the lake, the feeling was one of total safety from the ugliness of the violence and anger that is being experienced around the world today.

Then tonight storms came. We watched the news on TV and the lightning that lit up the nighttime sky. A tornado had been spotted within a few miles of our home. We woke the girls up and brought them downstairs and curled up together wrapped in blankets and waited. Yet, I felt safe even with the lightning striking closer to our property.

My 6 year old asked, "Do tornadoes really pick houses up and move them?" That one was a hard one to answer without scaring her. She was worried about our outside cat that was curled up in the corner of the porch. If our house was picked up and moved, the porch would break off and hurt the cat. I assured her the cat would be fine.

The worst of the storm passed us by, and the girls returned to bed. I am sure tomorrow we will find branches and perhaps limbs out in the yard. We do after every storm. But tonight, even in the midst of a thunderstorm, there was a sense of peace, just like at the lake today. I wish everyday could feel this peaceful.

Karen Wright
Grandmother raising grandchildren
www.BlogforHealthyLiving.com
www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com
www.SeniorPro.com

Once upon a time there was a grandmother

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

Once upon a time there was a grandmother with two grandchildren who she loved to dote on. However, the grandchildren's mother (her daughter) had severe problems. She had mental health problems, which drove her into alcohol and drug addictions. Regardless, this young mother loved her children very much. But she was a mess, and she knew it. She cried as she recognized her inability to care properly for her children. Whenever she thought her life was improving, her mental illness would worsen and she returned to abusing alcohol and drugs. Her heart would break as she saw the affect she had on her little children. She turned to her mother, the children's grandmother, to raise the children. Her love for her children and appreciation to her mother for taking over her role as her children's mother was often expressed. Her mental illness and drug abuse had miraculously not hindered her love and appreciation for her mother and recognizing the sacrifices the grandmother was making.

The story above is fiction, at least for most grandmothers raising grandchildren. The other day I was speaking with a grandmother who had raised grandchildren for several years before she was court ordered to send them back to the mother who had literally abandoned them on her doorstep. This grandmother said to me, "Why is it that we sacrifice, use up all of our money, and give up everything we have and then WE are the bad ones?" I am sure there must be exceptions, but rarely does a grandmother who is raising grandchildren get thank you's, sincere appreciation, and "I love you so much for what you are doing."

If grandmothers expect that they are going to live the fiction story above, they most likely will be severely disappointed and depressed. We must remember that we are not doing what we are doing for Thank You's and Appreciation.

Not only are grandmothers not likely to get Thank You's and Appreciation from the grandchildren's parents, they are likely to be treated with disdain for "stealing" someone's children, or criticized for not doing a good enough job due to exhaustion.

The criticism and disdain from those who should be most grateful can be extremely hurtful to the grandmother. It might cause her to feel very resentful and angry at the situation. However, an important point I want to make is when we allow ourselves to be resentful and angry, we are only heaping more pain onto ourselves.

Last night I was listening to a Teleseminar by Wayne Allen and Jon Polmar. One of them made an analogy that really got me thinking. They were talking about owning your own feelings and not blaming them on someone else, "So and So MADE me feel this way." When someone else insults us, accuses us, and is rude to us, we do not have to accept it and hurt over the insults anymore than we have to stab ourselves if someone hands us a knife. A knife creates a very strong visualization in my mind. If someone was trying to hurt me and handed me a knife, I would not oblige them by stabbing myself, so why do I oblige people by letting their words hurt?

I am really going to try and remember this analogy, and I hope all of you grandmothers out there who may have experienced hurt from others will remember this analogy of the knife as well. It doesn't exactly feel like something easy to do but certainly worth trying.

Karen Wright, B.S. Community Health Education
Grandmother raising grandchildren
www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com
www.BlogforHealthyLiving.com
www.SeniorPro.com

When the parents of your grandchildren live with you too!

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I am amazed at the number of emails I get from grandparents who are raising their grandchildren (or mostly raising them), with their biggest challenge being the parent of the child/children who lives with them as well.

This can be an extremely challenging situation in many cases. It really all depends on the grown children and the family dynamics in the home. Sometimes when the parent lives at home along with their children, they are doing so because of economic reasons and a loving atmosphere exists in the home. Other times, the grandparent actually becomes the true caregiver while the grown child parties and does not grow up.

I personally met a grandmother whose daughter and two tiny grandchildren lived with her. The grandmother did all of the care giving, taking the children to the doctor, doing laundry, meals, etc. while the daughter bounced from boyfriend to boyfriend, often bringing them home with her. The grandmother wanted to obtain custody, since she was doing everything anyway. She had no money for an attorney but was rather intelligent and went to the court house to find out what paperwork she could file herself. A guardian ad lit em was appointed for the children. Before the court hearing, the daughter simply moved out of state with the children and went and lived with her ex-boyfriend and his girl friend. I thought a bit interesting and odd. The last I heard the children's little lives did not appear very stable, moving around from place to place far from the more stable grandmother.

I know this is a horror story for many grandmothers in this situation. I do want to make sure I am not misunderstood though. Not all situations when the parent lives at home along with the children goes sour. Many young mothers are very nurturing and simply cannot afford to live on their own and need their parent's help.

Besides the grandchildren I am raising, I once had a single daughter come home pregnant. She lived with me for several months. I loved her baby, but she was nurturing and was the obvious mommy, not me. When she moved out, I did not hurt. I was happy for her. A few years later, I had the child a few months while she was getting help. When the little one went back to her, I did not hurt. Again, I was happy for her and the child. I love her child and love when I get to see him.

Unfortunately, most of the emails I get are from frightened and heart broken grandmothers. They want my advice. I wish I had good advice. If there is no obvious child abuse on the parent's part, or the parent is not obviously mentally ill, or a threat to the child, it may be hard for the grandparent to do anything but love them, pray, and have faith that there is a purpose for the path they are all on.

Karen Wright, B.S. Community Health Education
www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com
www.BlogforHealthyLiving.com

Children "sharing" or "taking turns"

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

Today my two little granddaughters and I went to visit one of my grown daughters and her two daughters. Another little grandson was visiting as well. My daughter Jennifer explained such an intelligent simple thing to me that I had actually never thought about. When my grandson was having a problem because one of the other children would not "share" playing the piano with him. He was quite upset because they were suppose to share RIGHT NOW!. Jennifer explained to him that "No" they were not "sharing" they were "taking turns" and his turn was next.

Jennifer explained to me that in the excellent preschool her girls had gone to before they went into elementary school, the teacher had explained that small children do not really understand the concept of "sharing" but they do understand "taking turns."

I had never thought of explaining it to preschoolers that way. What a simple yet brilliant way to teach little ones. I was impressed with how well it worked. I wish I had thought of explaining things that way before my girls had learned the concept of sharing.

Karen Wright, B.S.
Grandmother raising grandchildren

Thanks to Donne at GaGA Sisterhood

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I would like to thank Donne Davis with GaGA Sisterhood for featuring me in her June column for Parenting on the Peninsula in the San Fransisco Bay area and on her Blog at http://gagasisterhood.com/2009/06/12/grandparents-raising-grandchildren/

There are so many grandparents who are raising grandchildren. I appreciate all of you who email me comments and questions, even when I do not have good answers for you.

For some grandparents their main support system may be the support they get from other grandparents over the Internet. It is interesting how small the world really is. I have communicated with grandparents from Washington state to Florida. We all face many of the same issues, hurts, and frustrations whether they are relationship, financial, or legal issues.

Thanks to all of you.

Karen Wright
Grandmother raising grandchildren

Adopting a grandchild in PA

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

I received an email from a grandfather in Pennsylvania stating:

I'm looking for advice/comments from anyone that has adopted their grandchild in PA, the ups and downs they faced, what they would do differently etc.

If anyone has any experience with this, please feel free to leave a comment or email me directly at raisinggrandchildren@earthlink.net and I will forward your email address to this individual.

It is interesting how many emails I have received recently from grandparents who have or are in the process of adopting their grandchildren. I don't know if more grandparents are actually adopting or if more are just finding me and writing about it. For those that find themselves in this position and are able to adopt, I think it is great.

Karen Wright, B.S. Community Health Education
grandmother raising grandchildren

Grandchildren and their varied interests

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

One thing I love is to watch the varied interests of my granddaughters. I find them most fascinating. One day they may be using their junior size hammer and nailing boards together to create something special, playing house and having tea parties, teaching their dolls and stuffed animals how to read, climbing trees, collecting bones, and yet being beautiful and performing in their ballet recital. Yet, they still have their times when they want to just lie around and watch t.v. But I believe they are well balanced.

It is delightful seeing them enjoy themselves in so many different ways. They are only six and eight now, and I so hope as they grow up, they continue to have fun in such a variety of ways.

Karen Wright
grandmother raising grandchildren

Grandparents and gated communities

By Karen Best Wright, http://raisingyourgrandchildren.com

Lou Ann, I enjoyed your comment "my favorite comment is 'I thought that we would live in a gated community in our 50's just didn't know that it would be baby gates!' "

I chuckled, because when our grandchildren came to live with us, we did live in a gated community. However, since our house was really too small for all of us and we couldn't afford a bigger house within our gated community, we moved out into the country in a big old farm house. I do love living way out here even if we don't have the conveniences we had before. But your comment hit home and made me smile. Thanks.

At 55 I did expect that my life would be a bit different than it is, but as so many grandparents have written, I wouldn't change things now. For me, since I had my first baby at 19 and had eight children and now raising grandchildren, I have never yet NOT been raising children. I expect I will live to be a very old woman and some day, they may be taking care of me. 

Karen Wright
grandmother raising grandchildren
www.RaisingYourGrandchildren
www.BlogforHealthyLiving.com

Raising Grandchildren in Faith

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

Through the survey on my regular grandparents raising grandchildren's website, one of the questions is about positive experiences grandparents have. I have been impressed by the number of grandparents who share about the strength they get from their Faith. Sometimes they are referring to the church they belong to and the support they get from their fellow church members. Sometimes they are referring to the faith they have in God and the power he has in their lives. Sometimes grandparents express their feelings about their spiritual connections to God or the Divine power in their lives.

I very much believe in the power of Faith. I very much believe that the Christ Spirit, the Divine Spirit, God, or however one might describe their believe in God can bring great comfort and guidance into our lives. Many grandparents face tremendous challenges in their lives, and the connection to a Divine presence can bring direction to their thoughts, peace in their hearts, and perhaps even true miracles. Sometimes comfort comes simply by having the faith that the path we are on is for a reason, even when we do not understand why.

Karen Wright, B.S. Community Health Education
grandmother raising grandchildren
http://raisingyourgrandchildren.com
www.BlogforHealthyLiving.com

Why do some grandparent support groups succeed and others do not?

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

This post is a question to those of you who have had any experience with this. I appreciate all comments or emails to me.

As I read the many emails I get from grandmothers raising grandchildren, some say how their local support groups have helped them, while others have no support whatsoever. One grandmother wrote that the support group in her area disbanded after two years, because she was the only one still going.

So why is it difficult to get support groups going and successful? Since I have not had any luck getting a support group going in my area, I have my opinions on why some don't work. I have no experience on those that do work. So any input is welcome.

Grandparents who are raising grandchildren vary dramatically in their situations. Many grandparents work during the day, so are unable to attend daytime groups. If they don't work during the day and have small children, that poses another problem unless daycare is provided. If one works during the day, who wants to drag little kids to a meeting at night even if child care is provided? Some of course will want to, while others are exhausted and the thought is not appealing.

The most successful groups that I have read about seem to be started and maintained by groups other than by the tired grandparents themselves. Fun activities are provided for the children, while the grandparents relax, talk, and have snacks themselves.

A really good program will not only offer a sit around gap group, but will have assistance with legal concerns, financial assistance in some form, and education on issues they may never have dealt with before.

For me, I have found my greatest support to be a personal friend, my sister, and a couple of my grown daughters.

The most successful support groups seem to be in urban areas. Since I live in a rural community, perhaps that is why I have not found much support in my area. Please feel free to comment or email me with any success stories you may have.

Karen Wright, B.S. Community Health Education
grandmother raising grandchildren
www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com
www.BlogforHealthyLiving.com

Don't listen to the other kids!

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

It always concerns me when I see that one of my granddaughters is letting what other kids say to her influence her decisions, even simple unimportant ones. The other night when my first grader was going to bed, she was wearing her cute plaid capris. The conversation went something like this, "Those are not pajama bottoms." "Yes, they are." "No they are not, they are capris." "Well, Billy, and Lizzy, and Tommy said I was wearing pajamas. So I'm not going to wear them to school." At that I replied, "They are not pajamas. They are really cute purple and green plaid capris that you wear with a purple shirt. Just tell your friends that they are not pajamas and that they are being silly."

I honestly thought she would never wear them to school again, but a few days later she wore them and this time no one insisted she was wearing pajamas. I was really glad that she stood up for herself and did not let them determine what she was going to wear to school.

Karen Wright
grandmother raising grandchildren
www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com
www.BlogforHealthyLiving.com

Grandparents raising grandchildren in Rome, Georgia

In Rome, Georgia, Mercy Senior Care’s group Grands Who Care is preparing for an information fair and family fun day for grandparents and their grandchildren on June 11.

The event will also include pony rides, face painting, a martial arts demonstration, and arts and crafts for children. The event hopes to help grandparents who may be raising their grandchildren.

The event will be from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. June 11 at the Senior Adult Recreation Center at Etowah Park. Parking, admission, and food are all free and the event is open to the public.

Karen Wright
www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com
www.BlogforHealthyLiving.com

Great June Give-a-Away - Children's Book by Kristy Dempsey

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

Be sure to comment to my posts during the month of June to get a chance to win the beautiful children's book, Me with You by Kristy Dempsey. This book is about the relationship between the little girl bear and the big male bear. What is so great about this book is that while you assume the big bear is grandpa, it doesn't really say that. So the big bear could be any other male role model that the little girls has a bonding relationship with. This beautiful book is great for all children, especially grandchildren given to them by a grandparent. So comment to my posts this month and get a chance to win this book.

Karen Wright
Grandmother raising grandchildren

Budget cuts affecting grandparent programs

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

Every day I sift through Google Alert emails in my in-box about grandparents raising grandchildren. Of course many of the emails are unrelated to grandparents who are actually raising grandchildren. The emails might be about someone who raises chickens or goats and likes to visit their grandchildren.

However!

One thing I find puzzling is how in one state, programs are being started for grandparents who are raising grandchildren and in another state the existing programs are being cut due to budget cuts. Just today I read about a program in northern Michigan starting up through a County Commission on Aging and a program in Massachusetts being cut by the Agency on Aging. I find it interesting, yet disturbing, how Massachusetts cannot afford a support program for grandparents raising grandchildren, yet Michigan can.

Go figure.

Karen Wright
Grandmother raising grandchildren (but not in either Michigan or Massachusetts)