Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Negativity Blocks Creativity

www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com  by Karen Best Wright

I receive numerous emails a day through my main grandparents' website. I read a wide mixture of feelings. There are happy and satisfied feelings when grandparents see their grandchildren smiling and safe. There are huge mixtures of angry and fearful feelings. Grandparents may feel angry with their own children because they are messing up their lives as well as the lives of their children. Grandparents may be full of fear when knowing their grandchildren's future may depend solely on what a judge decides. Grandparents often feel enormous anxiety when not knowing how to find the services or finances they and their grandchildren may need.

We all experience these negative emotions. I am not immune from them either. In fact, I have been experiencing far too many negative emotions in my life recently. So what I am now doing when I start feeling negative emotions, whether they are angry feelings or fearful ones, is to tell myself "Negative Emotions Block Creativity." In fact that statement is taped to my computer monitor. Negative emotions are like static. When we are full of static, we cannot be creative. Now, I don't mean creative by being a talented artist or musician. For me, the static prevents me from tapping into creative problem solving skills. This is true in all areas of our lives. So the next time you feel angry, fearful, or any other negative emotion, just remember that the static is interfering with some ingenious creative solution. That visualization helps me every time.

Adopting a Grandchild ...continued

www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com  by Karen Best Wright

Recently I received emails from two different grandmothers who have adopted their grandchildren. They had two very different experiences. One grandmother had first become the foster mother to her three grandchildren who were in state custody. The children all had emotional problems and were tagged to have special needs. It seems sad that there is an advantage to having children labeled, but it seems to be true. Because these children were "special needs" children, when the grandparents adopted them, the services and finances that the children received as foster children carried with them. This allowed the grandparents to adopt the children without the fear of losing the valuable services that the children needed.

Now as for the other grandmother who recently wrote me, her situation was very different. She had twin grandsons who were crack babies and were born 3 months early. There were many problems. When they were 6 months old, the mother lost custody of the babies. The grandmother received custody and eventually adopted the boys. However, when she did, she lost the financial and medical benefits that the children needed.

Time and time again, grandparents write me with similar stories. I hope someday there will be grandparenting consultants in each state and even within each county to help grandparents maneuver the system and know how to receive the benefits these children need, whether or not the grandparents adopt the children or merely retain legal custody.

Adopting a grandchild

www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com  Karen Best Wright

Recently I received an email from a grandmother who is in the process of adopting her grandchild. The child was placed with the grandparents through Social Services. The mother of the child was given a year to complete the case plan, which she did not. The mother of the child wanted the grandparents to take legal custody of the child, but the courts insisted the child needed to be adopted. So the grandparents are adopting the child. In many situations when grandparents are raising grandchildren "outside" of the system, they are having problems even enrolling the children in school or getting basic services for them, let alone creating a permanent home for them.

Children's rights vary from state to state

www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com  Karen Best Wright

Over the past few years, I have received hundreds of emails from grandparents who have written me through my RaisingYourGrandchildren.com website. I am quite dismayed with the different services and views that exist within our own country, from state to state and even county to county, when it comes to children that are being raised by grandparents and relatives. One of the biggest differences that has come to my attention, as well as to other people, is how the rights and services afforded to children in the foster care system vary drastically from those of children being raised with relatives. It seems to me if the state has custody of the children, they are more apt to want to be certain those children's rights and needs are being met. When the grandparent or other relative has taken custody, thereby relieving the state from taking full responsibility, then those children's needs are often being ignored. Children in the "system" and children living with relatives are all just children, with mostly the same needs. They have one main thing in common. They are living with people who are not their natural parents, and they know it. All of these children are important, not just the ones that are in state custody.

Over the next few posts, I will focus on some of the stories that grandparents throughout our own country have written me. Some of these grandparents are stressed, over worked, living in or near poverty, and some of these grandparents are literally heartbroken and don't know what to do.

Building a Circle of Support

www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com by Karen Best Wright

We have been raising our three granddaughters for 5 1/2 years now. The first word of advice that I would give to any grandparent in this situation is to build a strong circle of support for yourself as well as your grandchildren. There are no grandparent support groups anywhere near where I live, and I have not been successful in developing one,yet. However, I have still been able to build a very strong circle of support for myself as well as my grandchildren.

My girls have seen the same pediatrician over the years, I make myself well known (positively) to their teachers, principal, and school personnel. We belong to a small but strong church congregation, and I am close to my mother and my sisters, even though they live clear across the country from me. It is amazing how cell phones and computers can keep us connected to so many friends and loved ones. Plus, I am fortunate that my best friend is one of my grown daughters who is an inspiring woman.

Creating this circle of support is not only important to help us in the moment, but may be what cushions us from the blows of adversity in the future. So my suggestion is to make friends (they don't need to be your own age), become involved in your community and a church, share with others the positive things in your life. When we share our energy and light with others, it may very well be what comes back to light our own path in a time of great need.

Surviving a Crisis

www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com by Karen Best Wright

Wow! It has been over 2 1/2 months since I have written in my Blog. I've had a few distractions, like our 7-year-old grandchild being injured and almost dying. We have been blessed with a total miracle, a complete recovery. When I see her playing or running across the lawn to catch a ball, my eyes still fill with tears as I barely remember the rescue squad and police cars that filled our yard less than two months ago. Within a few days of our granddaughter's injury and with her still in the pediatric ICU, her name was on hundreds of prayer rolls across the country. I cannot even begin to express adequately my testimony of prayer and faith. The gratitude I feel to the many different religious denominations that prayed for her is beyond my ability to even put into words.

A few days before her injury, I had a dream about her. The dream started with me screaming at her to get back to me because she was not being safe. Once she was safely back to me, we had a strange type of journey that we took together, just the two of us. In the dream, I only wore army fatigues. In the dream as we journeyed to uncertain places, I knew that her needs would be met by strangers along our path.

A few days before her accident, I told my husband that I could feel something bad was about to happen. I did not know if it was going to be in a few days or a few months, but something bad would occur.

Obviously after her injury, the dream made total sense. The dream brought intrigue and also a sense of peace, since the essence of the dream was that even though the journey was uncertain, it was not frightening and the most important part was that it was very clear in the dream that my child's needs would be met along the way.

The entire near tragic event has made me even more grateful for my granddaughters and the part that we play in each other's lives.

Dealing with the Adult Child

www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com  Karen Best Wright

Recently I was speaking with a close friend of mine. She has raised three grandchildren who are almost all grown now, yet still live at home. Her husband is in a nursing home with Alzheimer's, and she works full-time. She looked at me with very tired eyes and said, "I don't mind at all that I took my grandchildren and raised them. But, I do mind that my daughter accuses me of stealing her children." Sometimes when a grandparent has stepped in to rescue a situation and raise grandchildren, rather than being grateful, the adult child is resentful and angry. This can make it hard to have loving feelings toward the adult child.

If anyone reading this would like to share with me your experiences with your grown child, the parent of the grandchildren you are raising, please either post to this Blog or send a direct email to me at raisinggrandchildren@earthlink.net

I am gathering information and experiences from others on this topic.

Living Flexibly

www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com  by Karen Best Wright

Several months ago I wrote about the importance of consistency with our grandchildren. While this is very important in creating stability in the lives of the grandchildren we are raising, of equal importance is the concept of becoming flexible. While some might think that these two concepts might be in conflict, they are not. Many changes happen in our lives when we become parents again 20, 30, or even 40 years after we had our own children. Becoming flexible in our lives allows us to not break. It is like learning yoga. We stretch; we bend; we become stronger. We are less likely to break under pressure.

The other day I was playing with a little flexible rubber toy my children had gotten from who knows where. I bent it and twisted it while I thought about my own life. Sometimes not only our body needs to limber up but so does our mind. Realizing that how we feel today about something may not be how we feel next week, and that is okay. Each day may be the day that we receive new inspiration on a specific aspect of our lives.

Learning to become emotionally and spiritually flexible can allow us to recognize that inspiration and follow its lead, allowing us to find solutions to the challenges we face as "old" parents.

From sandpaper to silk!

www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com  by Karen Best Wright

I am a very sensitive, passionate, and visual person. A short while back, I was going through (still am) a very stressful process of events. Dealing with a particular situation felt as though I was dealing with sandpaper. I literally felt as though sandpaper was being rubbed against my skin. As I thought about this most uncomfortable feeling, I realized that I needed to turn that sandpaper into silk. So I visualized the sandpaper becoming softer and softer until I felt wrapped in silk. This visualization works depending on my stress level. When possible, I will take a nice hot or warm bubble bath with sea salt added to remove toxins while drinking a cup of hot cammomile/mango herbal tea.

If Kids Were Like Cats

www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com by Karen Best Wright

Understanding my granddaughters would be so easy if their needs were as simple as our cats'. Today Princess, our beautiful very petite cat, came up to me as I worked on the computer. She climbed up and started gently massaging my arm with her paws and gave a very faint meow. I knew she must be out of food or water. Our gorgeous new calico kitten has been devouring her food. I went to the kitchen; sure enough, the dish was empty. After filling the dish, Princess and Callie took turns with their heads buried in the bowl. I thought how peaceful it would be if understanding and communicating with children were that simple. Rarely if ever do children, or adults for that matter, gently touch us and whisper to let us know what they need. Understanding our children and what they need would be easier if we had psychic abilities. However for most of us, awareness, sensitivity, experience, and yes lots of patience is required to understand and fill the needs of the grandchildren we are raising.

Have you ever had a weird dream that you knew meant something?

www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com by Karen Best Wright

Have you ever had a dream that was really weird, but you knew that your subconscious mind or God (whatever your belief) was trying to get a message through to you? Well, I had one of these the other night. Dreams that are not utter nonsense may still be loaded with symbolism and may not be easily understood. I won't go into all the odd details of the dream, but I dreamt that I lived in a very large house, a very old house that had once been a granary. As I stood at the kitchen sink that was leaking water everywhere, even down to the floors below, the wall behind the sink collapsed. It was made of cardboard. My kitchen wall was made of cardboard, that was now wet and falling apart. As the cardboard kitchen wall and the sink fell apart, I stood back in dismay. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My house was falling apart. Then I went into a different part of the house. At this point, I was amazed. I found a very strong part of my home that I didn't even know existed. It was solid and strong. It was magnificent. There were many rooms. One was an exercise room and one was a classroom of some sort. I wondered why I had never known that I had such a strong and solid home before. Why had I only lived in the cardboard section?

Now what does this have to do with my daily life and raising my grandchildren? I think a lot. The past several days I have battled horrible headaches, struggled with completing work projects, and cared for the children who are out of school for the summer. When I have been discouraged and felt that I was doing really lousy at most everything, I thought about this dream. I knew emotionally I might just be living in my cardboard house that was falling apart. I would then tell myself, "Okay Karen, move into that strong and solid part of yourself. Focus on your strengths and not your weaknesses."

I am very glad that I had this odd dream. I believe it has an even deeper meaning than I currently understand. However, it is helping me at this time to recognize the soggy cardboard parts of my life and to focus and search for the strong solid parts of my life and myself.

How to teach our grandchildren what we expect

www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com Karen Best Wright

As I continue to read the book Common Sense Parenting, I realize much of parenting really is just common sense. Even so, many times the simplest things can go over our heads, especially if we are tired and frustrated. Grandparents who are raising grandchildren are often tired and frustrated.

After deciding what are reasonable expectations for your grandchild, follow 3 steps. First, demonstrate or model the expectation. Second, make sure the child understands what you expect. And third, have the child demonstrate what you expect.

Here is a simple example, if you are trying to teach your grandchild how to answer the telephone politely. You could role-play using a disconnected phone. Show them how you want them to answer the phone by demonstrating. When the phone is for someone else, show them how to gently lay the phone down and go and get the person, rather than yelling into the phone "Mom, it's for you." After they have practiced with a disconnected phone, let them show you they know how to answer the phone politely by actually doing it with you observing.

Follow these 3 steps with whatever you are teaching - demonstrate or model, make sure child understands, and then have child demonstrate what you expect. Sometimes this can be very simple and sometimes more effort will be required depending, of course, on what is being taught and expected.

Disciplining Grandchildren

www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com by Karen Best Wright

I am currently reading a parenting book called Common Sense Parenting - Using Your Head as Well as Your Heart to Raise School-Aged Children authored by Ray Burke, Ph.D., Ron Herron, and Bridge A. Barnes.

Just reading Chapter One gave me a lot to think about when considering my own parenting style. I'm embarrassed to say, I didn't even know what my parenting style has been, even after raising my own eight children. This book is giving me some good insights. According to their questionnaire, I'm a mixture. I'm doing fairly well in most areas but with some definite areas to improve. I tend to put up with "and put up with and put with" annoying behavior until I am "fed up" then I react. Not the best way to be consistent.

Often when we think of discipline, we think of punishment. I'm not sure why this is exactly. When I think of a person who is well disciplined or self-disciplined, I don't think of a person who is well or self punished. So why do we often think discipline and punishment are synonymous?

The book points out, that to discipline is to teach. The authors stress that children learn nothing from inappropriate punishment, other than to fear and avoid the parent or to behave violently themselves when they are angry or frustrated. The authors write that as we discipline our children with positive teaching, disciplining becomes less of a chore and more of an opportunity. Positive teaching is an effective way to guide children and help them learn what is expected of them, what they are doing right, and what they are doing wrong. The goal of course is to teach children to live cooperative and productive lives within the family unit, the community, and society as a whole.

As grandparents, we have extra challenges when learning effective ways to discipline (to teach proper behavior). Children have often come to us with bad habits already established. They may still be experiencing pain from past experiences, which adversely affects their behavior now. With all the possible negative baggage the children may be lugging around with them, establishing a parenting style, which incorporates positive teaching can help create a positive family environment, which encourages children to become self-disciplined, which of course is our ultimate goal as parents.

I will write more comments as I read this insightful book. 

The Importance of Consistency

www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com by Karen Best Wright

I receive many comments from my readers at my main website about the challenge and importance of creating consistency and stability in their grandchildren's lives. This is a topic of the utmost importance. So often when grandparents or other relative caregivers gain custody of the children, whether it be legal or informal custody, the children have lived hectic lives and have had little consistency in their daily living. Some children may not have had a regular bedtime schedules, homework or study time, or even regular mealtimes. Eating while sitting in front of the television does not constitute as a meal time for me.

When children have been living uncertain lives with little order, creating consistency in the grandparent's home can help promote necessary emotional stability. Children who are vulnerable can be extra sensitive when things are un-orderly and when they don't know what to expect next.

I have found when I feel unorganized and life seems chaotic, the children's moods follow my lead. When I am in better control and life runs on schedule, they are more cooporative. And even when they are not, I handle it better. It is very important to my girls that life runs the way it is suppose to, even to whose turn it is to read scriptures or help with a dessert.

In our home, I am not super strict, and our lives do not run on a slick smooth schedule (as much as I would like it to), but here are a few things that have proven helpful to me in creating consistency in our lives.

On school mornings, we always get up at the same time. We spend 30 minutes upstairs getting dressed and fixing their long hair. We then have 30 minutes to eat breakfast and get out the door. We usually sing songs while I drive them to school. I want their day to get started in a routine and happy manner without feeling rushed.

The children know that one evening a week we have a special family night with special dessert and all. We go to church every Sunday, homework is done right after school, and we eat dinner together. At bedtime, we read our scriptures and then another fun story or a few poems. Then off to bed, perhaps with a few bedtime songs while they settle in. There is a rocking chair in the little girls' bedroom, so I often get conned into a bedtime rock as well with a 4 and 6 year old. The only time we skip this routine is if we are out late and get home way past bedtime, like on a Friday night when we have a Barnes and Noble family date. Everyone gets to buy one book. If money is tight, we can always have a Dollar Store date; that works just as well. My 4 year old's favorite store is the thrift store in our town.

The children know that I will always be home when they get home on the bus. The exception is if I call the school to tell them they are parent pick-up that day. They love that. They enjoy pleasant straying from routines now and then, like when I'm tired and don't feel like cooking dinner. Here's a sandwhich, go outside and eat at the picnic table. That's fun unless there are flies all over the food.

I wish I could say that I have this down pat, (You would think after raising my own eight children I would) but I don't. I'm still trying to get them to bring their own dishes to the sink, hang their backpacks on their hook when they come into the house, and make their beds in the morning. As long as everything is off the floor (I don't want to trip on things in the dark), I let other things go until major bedroom clean-up time.

Well back to consistency, however difficult it may be for some grandparents to establish it, we all know how important it is for these children. Consistency, taught with love, helps children learn to trust, feel safe, and develop feelings of security.

When dreams are shattered, we ask why.

www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com By Karen Best Wright

As grandparents take on the responsibility of raising grandchildren, some dreams they may have had can be shattered. It may have been the dream of what their own child was going to do with his/her life, or it may be the dream of something they wanted to happen in their own life.

When we have a dream that has been shattered, many times we ask ourselves too many whys. “Why” is this happening? “Why” did that happen? “Why” do people feel the way they feel, or “why” do they do the things they do?

Sometimes, we can ask why and get an answer that we can actually do something about and improve our situation. But often, the "whys" only hurt. Why? Is it because there is/was a defect in the brain or genes, bad upbringing, lost soul, just plain bad choices, or simply God’s plan for us that we were not expecting?

Getting an answer to our “whys” may at times bring us a sense of peace, but often there is no answer to the “whys.” Continually wanting an answer, when the answer is simply not there, can literally destroy what energy we have left.

Many times we need to put the “whys” on the back burner, not focus on them, or simply take the word out of our vocabulary if necessary. Saying this is much easier than actually doing it, especially if we are living a situation not merely remembering it from the past.

Here are a few things that I do when a dream that I have has been shattered. These 5 things help me cope when the “whys” creep up on me, and I grieve for the loss of my dream.

1.      I immediately start reworking my dreams and goals. As the well-known saying goes, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. I would not survive well without my dreams and goals. Dreams and goals need not detract from living our lives in the moment, but can help guide us.

2.      I remind myself, even though I might have been caught by surprise, that God knew this was going to happen. Since God knew this all along, he must still have a path for me.

3.      I do something that I can feel good about. I may make a business call that I have been putting off. I may finish a project that has been left unfinished. I may curl up with my children and read them a story or sing them a song. There are a myriad of things we can choose to do to lift our spirits. For me, it must be something that I physically do, something less mental, not just sitting and thinking about the problem.

4.      I may call a friend, my sister, my mother, or a professional counselor. My tendency is to hide my pain and not want to burden others with my problems. I usually do better when I allow others to help me.

5.      And last but most important, I pray to receive direction, peace, and strength. I pray to know that I am not alone, that there is someone beyond my physical site that is guiding me. And finally, I pray to be taught, so I can learn from this experience and become a stronger soul.

How we share our grandparenting stories

www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com by Karen Best Wright

As I have watched the news lately and read stories about other grandparents raising their grandchildren, I have been haunted by one thing I see grandparents doing. As a grandmother raising my grandchildren, I can see how easy it is to let this happen. It happened to me. I now can also see the harm that could potentially be done.

What I am talking about is talking in public about how these grandchildren have been neglected, abandoned, and abused. While this may be true, and we may need to confide in friends, counselors, or our clergy, I believe it harms the children to hear us refer to them as victims in this way.

In our family, we stress how lucky we are that we have each other. They know they are lucky to have us, and they know we are LUCKY to have them. I don't think it does the children any good for grandparents to stress how different they are from other children. It does not help the children's self-esteem for the whole world to know their personal problems or the problems of their parents.

I learned this lesson in a way that I did not like. After we had our children for about a year, our local Area Agency on Aging did an article about us in their monthly newsletter. I explained in more detail, than I now would, about why we got the children. Well, several months ago I did a Google search and came across that article on the Internet. Boy, was I sorry that I had even been as descriptive as I was.

As my girls grow up, the world does not need to know exactly what they went through as children unless they choose to share it. So my advice if you are being interviewed by a local newspaper or newsletter that will eventually show up on the Internet, be careful using your children's names and details that may come back to embarrass them.

When grandparents take responsibility

www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com by Karen Best Wright

My personality is one where I tend to feel responsible for most everyone around me, especially if they are closely connected to me. I can feel their energy and if I'm not very careful, I can absorb their energy even to the detriment of my own health.

I have to be constantly aware that I have a tendency to do this. The other day, a doctor told me something that I already knew, but it helped to have him look me straight in the eye and say, "A person cannot take responsibility for something he has no control over." In other words, he was telling me to quit feeling responsible and trying to be responsible for things I could not control. It was becoming very detrimental to my physical and mental health. That is one reason we have custody of our grandchildren, so that control matches with our responsibility.

As I have contemplated over this concept, responsibility and control, the past few days, I have been taking notes of the things that I actually do have some control over and how I can enhance or improve a situation. I have also had to come to grips with things that are out of my control, like other people's choices and actions. Sometimes there is a fine line between the two or at least so it seems.

As I was driving home from my doctor's appointment still feeling much heaviness in my heart and not knowing exactly how to handle a certain situation, I decided to quit thinking about it at that time. Well, that of course is easier said than done. "Don't think about a white horse."

So what I did for the hour drive home, I focused on everything around me that was positive. I noticed beautiful red, pink, purple, yellow, orange, and white blossoms. I noticed the many different shades of spring green in the trees. I saw yellow and red tulips and beautifully manicured lawns (they were probably kept up by hired help) but they were beautiful.

I saw an old man out mowing his lawn and thought how great it was that he was still able to mow his lawn. I saw a cell tower and thought about how baffled and amazed I am at how cell  phones work. I was thankful for drive-up bank tellers. I didn't have to even get out of my car to deposit a check.

I kept my mind searching for every positive thing I could find for over an hour until I could get home and do something that I actually did have some control over, thus calming my troubled heart; even cleaning my kitchen and disinfecting the kitchen island, where the children eat, gave me a wee sense of control, at least it looked nice.

Humor Might Just Save Our Day!

www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com

     I haven't written in this Blog for quite a while. It seems that I feel that I should only write when I have something profound to say or at least positive and close to my heart. The Holidays were great yet very stressful. The New Year has started, and I have a long list of goals for the Year. This is the first year since we got the children four years ago, that I have even had the energy to write down my goals and believe, that I might actually accomplish some of them. So often, I feel that I merely exist day to day. Yet, when I quit judging myself so harshly, I realize that I have actually accomplished quite a few things.

     Sometimes it is easy to get weighed down with the negative and stressful events in our lives. We may be tired, overworked, or simply lonely. Noticing the positive and especially the humor that we encounter can lift our souls. It can change the way we see an entire day. Humor does wonders in cleansing our soul.

     The past few days have been interesting. First the children were out of school for Teachers Day. I worked on the computer with a sick four-year-old on my lap much of the day. Then today, the children were out of school again due to an ice storm. While I worked in my office on my computer, finishing up projects for clients, my children were in the kitchen pretending to be servants. They were washing the kitchen floor and then drying it with my clean dishtowels. I found this distraction both irritating and humorous. I did not let them see me laugh, but I did laugh. I guess they were trying to be Cinderella or something.

     Observing our children in order to catch them being pleasant is so much more rewarding than focusing on their misbehavior or mischievousness. Humor might just save our day.

What Should My Grandchildren Call Me?

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When grandparents are raising a grandchild, what should the child call them?

Even though some people have quite strong opinions that the child should only call the grandparent, grandparent names, not parent names, there are no shoulds here. I do not believe there is one right answer for everyone.

I believe the children should be allowed to call their grandparents what makes them feel comfortable and safe, and grandparents ought not feel guilty if their grandchild calls them parent type names. After all, we are playing the parent role NOT the grandparent role. The following is a list of names for grandparents that some of my readers have sent me.

• Mom and Poppop
• Mama and Papa
• Meme and Papa
• Gwemmie and Pop-pop
• Omi an informal slang of the formal Oma in German
• Mom and Dad
• Grandma
• Meema
• Mommy and Daddy
• Mimi
• Mom and Papa

When we first got our 3 grandchildren 4 years ago, we were Nana and Papa. The children were newborn, 2, and 4. After a year, the middle child, at age 3, completely dropped the Nana and called me Mama. After the second year, the oldest at age 6 abruptly switched to Mom, and never called me Nana again. So I am both Mom and Mama. My husband remains Papa, except when the oldest talks about him to others, then he is Dad. Occasionally, the youngest now 4, calls him Daddy.

Our oldest, age 8 now, told me one day. "Mom, I just want my friends at school to know you're my mom, not my grandmother." Those that need to know our situation, do. To everyone else, I am just her mom. She shares her story when she feels the need. One day while coming home on the bus, she heard the bus driver mention to someone on her radio that one of the other girls lived with her grandmother. My granddaughter told the friend that she lived with her grandmother too. The girl at first did not believe her but eventually was convinced and appreciated that she was not alone in this situation. I was pleased to see my granddaughter's empathy for the girl.

So when deciding what your grandchildren will call you, realize that what you call yourself may not be what your grandchildren eventually opt to call you.

Defiant Teenage Granddaughter

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Comment from an Indiana grandmother: Any thoughts you'd like to share with her?

"I find it hard dealing with my granddaughters attitude. If something goes wrong, she blames me. I think she takes her frustrations over not being with her mother on me. She becomes defiant, talks back, states that "You don't act like you did before I came to live with you" she thinks her mother is perfect and never finds anything wrong with what her mom does. Her mother has called her a "lying bitch on the phone and hung up on her but this child denies ever hearing her mom do this. She was removed from her mom's home because her mother is a meth addict and neglected the children. I feel like I am doing everything I can for her and she is giving me no thanks, no respect, I am almost to the point now where I don't care if she lives with her mom or goes back into the foster care system. She refuses to see a counselor. I took her three times and she is angry with me about this and brings it up all the time. I'd like to know what to do. my life has been disrupted for 2 years now. I wouldn't care so much if I felt like I was helping this child but she just resents me because she can't live with her mom."

Are They Listening?

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Sometimes I wonder if my grandchildren listen to me at all. Do they even hear what I am saying? Often I feel as though what I say goes "right over their heads," or as one says, "in one ear and out the other."

The other day, I heard my 4 year old explaining something to someone, she paused, and then said, "Well,  actually..." I thought that was a rather grown up way to talk. Then I heard myself say to her, "Well, actually..." She was listening.  Later that day I was fussing at my 5 year old for not remembering to do something that I had told her to do. She responded with, "I guess I'm having a memory problem." My husband and I just laughed. She definitely had been listening to us. Our children do listen, even when we are unaware. Our lesson? Be careful what we say.

Grandparenting News Updates

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For current news about Grandparents Raising Grandchildren in your area go to  http://raisingyourgrandchildren.com/NewsLinks.htm. I am compiling links to various news articles on the Internet about Kinship Caregiving. I add links on an almost daily basis for grandparents and other interested individuals in their search for helpful information. For a list of helpful and related websites, go to http://raisingyourgrandchildren.com/Internet_Resources.htm

What are grandparents?

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In an article by Linda Hoffman from Ontario, she writes the following.

"A class of eight-year-olds answered the question, What is a grandparent?"

I thought the children's comments were so cute and funny, I wanted to share them with my readers.

•Grandparents are a lady and man who have no little children of their own. They like other peoples.
•Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
•They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
•When they take us for walks they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
•They show us and talk to us about the colour of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on cracks.
•They don’t say, “Hurry up.”
•Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
•They wear glasses and funny underwear.
•They can take their teeth and gums out.
•Grandparents don’t have to be smart.
•They have to answer questions like, “Why isn’t God married?” and “How come dogs chase cats?”
•When they read to us they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over and over again.
•They are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
•They know we should have snack time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.
•When they bend over you hear gas leak and they blame their dog.

Our role as grandparents raising grandchildren is different than our role as grandparents to our other grandchildren who are being raised by their own parents. If the question "What is a grandparent" was asked to the children we are raising, I wonder what their answers would be. When my girls think of "Grandma," they don't think of me. They think of my mother who is 83 years old. To them she is old and wrinkly and very sweet.

Challenge of Raising Grandchildren

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     I am 52 and Mama to three little girls, my granddaughters. When I am asked what is my biggest challenge, I cannot give a simple answer. Sometimes the most difficult is physical fatigue; other times it is my never-ending To Do list.

     Right now, my biggest challenge is dealing with my lack of alone time, quiet time to just be. The other evening my husband stayed home with the children. I had them fed and ready for bed before I left to get a hair cut. I drove into town alone, something I rarely get to do, especially in the summertime.

     As I was driving, I had the overwhelming desire to just keep driving. I wanted to drive all the way to Northern Michigan where I had grown up. I wanted to be alone for a few days, maybe a week. I didn’t want to run away from my family, I just wanted a few days of quiet, a few days to think and feel, a few days to read, meditate, and write.

     That not being an option, I turned off the radio, and enjoyed the silence as I drove the hour into town.

Finding Grandparenting Information Online

www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com

     If you are a grandparent raising your grandchildren, and you want to learn about others in the same situation, simply create a Google Alert. You will be surprised at the number of grandparents in our country doing the same thing. I created a google alert and was amazed at the information I received.

     Go to www.google.com/alert. There is a short form to fill out in order to receive emails applicable to your interests. In the "search terms" box, write in something like "grandparents raising grandchildren." In the drop down "type" box, highlight either "News" or "News & Web." Add your email to the "Email" box.

    THAT'S IT. You will recieve emails whenever there is a bit of news or information out there about grandparents raising grandchildren. Technology can be great.