Dealing with the Adult Child
www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com Karen Best Wright
Recently I was speaking with a close friend of mine. She has raised three grandchildren who are almost all grown now, yet still live at home. Her husband is in a nursing home with Alzheimer's, and she works full-time. She looked at me with very tired eyes and said, "I don't mind at all that I took my grandchildren and raised them. But, I do mind that my daughter accuses me of stealing her children." Sometimes when a grandparent has stepped in to rescue a situation and raise grandchildren, rather than being grateful, the adult child is resentful and angry. This can make it hard to have loving feelings toward the adult child.
If anyone reading this would like to share with me your experiences with your grown child, the parent of the grandchildren you are raising, please either post to this Blog or send a direct email to me at raisinggrandchildren@earthlink.net
I am gathering information and experiences from others on this topic.
My daughter had my grand-daughter when she was just turned 18 by a 28 year old man that started beating her up at 16. She was his babysitter and he started relationship which I did not know of until he broke my window to get to her at age 16. I had a protective order on him. He beat her up and violated the protective order many times and GD was conceived under the protective order. He gave her drugs and sold her for drugs. Court Psych evals showed that he had bi-polar and pshzophrenia.
Daughter was in car accident DUI.
Father never even bought a pack of diapers. He beat her up with 2 month old baby in her arms and she still let him see her occasionally. He was never involved in supporting her. She finally sought a Lifetime protective order for both her and her daughter which was granted and she still let him see her just before the child was taken in State/My custody.
At the scene of the DUI accident the childs car seat was in the car and Sheriff asked where the child was. I told him she was at my home with grampa where she has lived her whole life. He called DCF and Child Protective Services. Grand-daughter has alwayslived with us and has own room in my home.
Daughter was in hospital for two weeks and when released from Baker Act, DCF told my daughter she had to leave or they would take the child to foster care. She and sperm donor dad had 1 year to complete case plan for reunification and neither has done the first thing on their case plan.
Courts are ready to terminate their parental rights and my husband and I are going to adopt to make sure that they don't get her back and go back to being addicts in the future.
My daughter has told me that I am stealing her daughter. She gets upset because I only let her see her twice a week for a couple hours and this was advice from the therapist that I take her to. She is only 4 1/2 and is going to start kindergarden this year and doesn't understand why mom can't come home and take care of her or why she makes promises and then doesn't show up. I told my daughter no more promises of any kind ever!
She still feels this is her daughter and she should not be told when she can see her. I told her she made her choice when she chose drugs and alcohol and homelessness vs working on case plan.
She should be thanking me that I am stepping in to raise her daughter and that someone who loves her more than anything will raise her and give her a shot at a good life since she won't. She still thinks I owe her a living and I have had a hard time but am getting there as far as the word NO and you chose this life now deal with what it brings you. If you don't like it then get a job and rehab and live a normal life so you can stay in Hayleigh's life. She will know the truth someday and what do we tell her you do for a living? Prostitute yourself for drugs and a place to stay? I won't allow her to stay in her life or mine once adopted if things do not change and she does not think that is fair. After all this is HER DAUGHTER and I have no right. Once I adopt I have every right and will do whatever it takes to keep this child stable, secure and happy and to have a normal happy childhood as much as possible!
She will have the same opportunities that her mother had prior to choosing drugs and an abusive man in her life. She was a good child until this man got ahold of her!Very sad for all!
Posted by: Pamela L. | April 29, 2008 at 01:10 PM
My daughter has not yet accused me of stealing her daughter, but I do see the disappointment in her eyes when Callie prefers me to her.
Posted by: Brenda Tolleson | April 22, 2008 at 04:51 PM
It is extremely painful. My daughter told me I stole her children away and she had such hatred in her voice. I think she blames me as a way of not taking the responsibility for her mistakes and poor parenting. She put my grandsons through some very horrible experiences. I have a lot of anger towards her and am trying to find ways to get rid of it because it hurts me not hurt. It is so painful
Posted by: Pamela | February 11, 2008 at 11:27 AM